(We cannot effectively minister to
others if we are burdened down with excess baggage due to past experiences in
our lives.)
By Betty Benson
Robertson
Unnecessary Weight
Excitement charged the room as the teenagers planned
their overnight camping trip. My
pastor-husband outlined what everyone needed to take, stressing the importance
of not carrying a single unnecessary item.
"Keep the weight to the lowest possible level,"
he admonished, "because it's a strenuous 3-miles to the camp site. Buy light-weight food items such as Top
Ramen, beef jerky and Fruit Roll-ups."
The long-awaited day finally arrived! As the teens assembled, my husband took
mental inventory of what one girl unloaded: sleeping bag; bulging backpack with
heavy canned food items; large
hand-mirror; huge make-up bag; hair dryer; three changes of clothing and her
teddy bear!
High on enthusiasm and short on experience, the young
lady ignored all questions by survivors of this annual event: "Are you
sure you want to carry all that weight?
How are you going to feel after walking two hours carrying all that
stuff?"
After intense persuasion, this stranger to back packing
finally consented to lighten her load.
She left behind the hair dryer and teddy bear! Thirty minutes into the hike, the bogged-down
young lady began pondering the issue of laying aside every unnecessary weight and
stripping off the excess.
Excess Baggage
Forty-year-old Cathie grew up in a home filled with
guilt, shame, constant terror and years of learning to "walk the chalk
line." Encouragement to excel was
pitted against punishment for less than excellence.
At age three, Cathie's father declared: "If you had been born in China, we would
have thrown you in the river." This
toddler began carrying rejection.
By age twelve, Cathie's responsibilities included
baby-sitting four younger brothers, cleaning the house, ironing and preparing
meals. If performance did not measure
her father's expectations, his wrath was unleashed at the end of a long-handled
clothes brush. Cathie began carrying
resentment.
From seventh grade until the end of high school, she was
regularly, sexually abused by her church-going, Bible-toting father. Each time
he concluded by saying: "I'll beat you to within an inch of your life if
you say anything."
Cathie spent her junior and senior high school years
avoiding close friendships, fearing her friends would discover what was happening
while her mother worked. She began
carrying around anger, bitterness, resentment, and guilt.
Following high school graduation, Cathie married - not
consciously aware of the heavy baggage she carried in her inner life. She was
confused as to why she constantly felt guilty; had difficulty establishing relationships;
could never let anyone close; kept her
emotions shut off; and could go only so
far in her spiritual walk.
Looking Within
Are you carrying excess baggage?
* Resentment
toward the man who has broken up a home
* Bitterness
against the person who has ruined a career.
*
Hardness toward God for allowing hypocrisy in the church
* Guilt
over an abortion or giving an unwanted child up for adoption
* Despair
that a mate will ever change
Who hasn't carried unnecessary weight?
I have. For five years, we cared for my elderly parents in our
home. I had never been as close to
mother as I had Daddy. It was nothing
more than little irritants which I just tried to bury.
The interaction of daily care giving caused the feelings
to rise with volcanic intensity. The excess baggage of resentment and anger began
weighing heavy -- causing tension, stress and physical problems.
I knew the barrier between mother and I needed to be
broken. I knew the conflict had to be
resolved. Simple!
I just was going to change my mother! When that didn't work, God said: "How about doing it MY way?"
The outline for His way is found in Matthew 6:14-15: "If you forgive other people their failures,
your heavenly father will also forgive you.
But if you will NOT forgive - but if you will NOT forgive - but if you
will NOT forgive...neither will your heavenly Father forgive you your
failure."
So - now the question looming on the horizon was: To forgive...or not to forgive?
Often we live with one foot on the road of wanting to
forgive - and the other on the road to wanting revenge.
We are immobilized.
Giving up resentments may also involve our giving up:
1. Having someone
to blame for the predicament or situation we're in.
2. Feeling sorry
for ourselves.
3. Talking so much
about the other person or the past.
To forgive...or not forgive -- that is the question.
Sometimes we say, "Here, God. You can have the teddy bear." We expect the load we carry around to be
lighter.
Do I want to stay in bondage to resentments and hurts -
past and present?
Do I want to keep carrying excess baggage?
Or do I choose to forgive and experience freedom?
The pain is unbearable, you say. It's too hard.
Forgiveness IS hard work.
Forgiveness is emotionally tiring.
Forgiveness takes all the power of God's compassion
within you.
Forgiveness takes all cooperation on your part of His
healing touch.
Forgiveness takes time.
Forgiveness is a process.
Forgiveness must go as deep as the pain.
Some people say, "Sure, I've forgiven." But they have not forgiven in the citadel of
their soul...where the pain is lodged.
Forgiveness must go as deep as the pain.
You say, "If forgiveness is a process...tell me
how."
Step # 1: Survey the damage
In the second chapter of Nehemiah we find that he viewed
the devastation of Jerusalem before designing plans to rebuild. Survey the injury
in your life so needed repairs can occur.
Identify what damage has been done. Is there bitterness, depression,
difficulty in loving others, exaggerated attempts for acceptance, fear of
rejection, feelings of inferiority, hurt feelings, low self-image, pain,
perfectionism, inability to trust God, withdrawal from others?
Who caused the damage in your life?
List those with whom you have, or have had, conflict:
mother, father, stepparent, church member, friend, yourself.
You may say, "I could never forgive myself for
something I did." Your name should
be on the list.
Step # 2: Acknowledge the pain from
the damage
Our hurts from the past are like abscesses - raw,
hemorrhaging wounds that become covered by scabs. But from time to time the scabs peel
off. Unfortunately, what is uncovered is
not the complete growth of restored life, but the same bleeding sore.
Much of the suffering in our lives comes from memories. These memories emerge as feelings of
loneliness, insecurity, fear, anxiety, suspiciousness.
The more painful these memories are, the more hidden and
repressed they become. They hide in a corner of the deepest cavern of our
minds.
What do you do with a painful memory?
You may try to forget it or you may act as though it did
not occur. Trying to forget the pain of
the past gives
these memories power and control over our lives.
We proceed through life dragging the weight. We become walking emotional cripples. We miss out on the opportunity to grow
emotionally -- and spiritually.
A painful memory can become a healed gift instead of a
searing reminder -- if we will just acknowledge it and continue through the
process.
Step # 3: Write to release the
feelings
The purpose of writing is to recount incidents and
experience feelings so the poison can be released. This is vital in the releasing process of
genuine, lasting forgiveness.
Describe in detail in letter-form what you are
feeling. This is NOT given to the offender. It is only a method for deep expression, to
help the releasing process.
Example:
"Mother, I feel resentment because you never attended any ball
games when I was in Little League. You
had the time. You just always said, 'I
don't like baseball.' It made me feel
insignificant and worthless. It was
humiliating never having any parental support like the other kids had."
In my situation, I grabbed a box of Kleenex, a large
legal pad, and a pencil. My head had forgiven
my mother -- we all know we're supposed to forgive -- so in a brief moment of
prayer we bow our heads and say, "God, help me to forgive." Nothing changes. We get frustrated. We don't understand that often
forgiveness takes work -- takes time -- takes a resounding YES, LORD...I will
let down the walls...I will get in touch with the pain so you can come in and
heal.
I spent three intense hours writing my letter to my
mother. It started out generic. As I continued
writing, I gave myself permission in this safe setting (just God and I) to go back
and relive that pain.
Sometimes I scrawled a gigantic WHY across the page? Or my heart screamed, "If only you had
not." Sometimes my heart yelled, "If only you had..." My sobs were so gut-wrenching I had to stop
writing, as pain gushed forth in geyser force.
I continued writing page after page, until I could think
of nothing else to say. Then I said,
"Okay, God, if I'm carrying any other baggage...if I've crammed anything
else inside that needs to be released -- now is the time to let me know about
it. I'd rather not go through this
again!
I took my stack of paper, folded it, placed it into an
envelope, and sealed the envelope. Then I took the letter and start tearing it
up. I shred it into little, itty, bitty
pieces. Each tear brought a new sense of freedom...each tear brought
peace...each tear lifted some of the excess baggage I had been carrying for years.
I prayed, "Redeemer-God, you have promised beauty
for ashes (Isa. 61:3). Please make creative use of this..." Then I took the torn-paper and brushed it
into the trash can. I picked up the Kleenex-mountain
and dumped it into the waste basket.
I was emotionally exhausted -- but I had never felt so
free inside. I was excited because I
thought this journey to forgiveness was over.
I learned that forgiveness is a process – not to be
rushed for the sake of saying, "I've forgiven." Long-lasting forgiveness costs. It cost Jesus His life.
People I have counseled thought they were going to die
before they were done. Without exception,
they would all say today: "It was worth it. The biblical process of forgiveness makes a
difference. Hang in there."
If your name is on the list in Step 1, for whatever
reasons -- write a letter to yourself.
It works!
You may have carried pent-up pain for years. Releasing this emotion on paper will bring a
renewed sense of God's forgiveness. Those
who have written letters to themselves say they are able to finally, truly forgive
themselves. Writing is a vehicle for allowing
the forgiveness to go as deep as the pain.
Step # 4: List personal rights that
were violated.
Webster defines a personal right as "something to
which one has a just claim." A "right" could be expressed: "I deserve proper nurturing;"
"I deserve praise instead of continual criticism;" I deserve a
husband who is faithful;" "I deserve a spouse who will communicate
with me;" "I deserve not being robbed of my virginity on a date-rape;"
"I deserve having my child rather than him die from infant death
syndrome;" "I deserve the right to maintain purity instead of
incest;" or "I deserve the right to have a mother longer than 14 years."
YES...you do deserve, but clutching to our rights causes
bitterness, anger, resentment, and pain.
Step # 5: Yield those rights to God
Scripture encourages yielding of rights. Romans
6:13: "Yield yourselves unto God, has
those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness
unto God."
A major decision of the will surfaces in this step. The glass ceiling must be broken.
Ask yourself, "Do I WANT to let go of these feelings? Do I want to say, 'Yes...Lord – I yield my
rights to You?'"
If so, a prayer can be, "God, I thought this was a
basic right I had. I have clutched tightly. I now surrender and release it to You."
By the time I had completed this step, I was feelin'
great! I thought I was D-O-N-E! My relationship with my mother was certainly
improved. Then one day, God spoke
clearly to me again. I was writing my book,
Changing Places, I happened to read what I had just written in chapter one,
about following the scriptural mandate of honoring our father and mother.
I looked at the computer screen and read: We honor our parents because we have received
so much from them, including life itself.
Our gratitude often is mixed with resentment about their perceived short-comings
and imperfections. Honoring our parents
has nothing to do with whether or not we LIKE them. It means, rather, not shaming them verbally
or minimizing the investment they have made in our lives.
God said, "Betty, you cannot go on writing this book
until you take care of one more thing.
Make a list of YOUR offenses toward your mother."
Step # 6: List your wrongs
Acts 24:16 -- "I strive always to keep my conscience
clear before God and man."
1 Pet. 3:16 -- "Keep a clear conscience"
In my situation, my list of offenses toward my mother
read: insensitivity - intolerance - ungratefulness
- slander (I had often shared her faults with others).
I bowed my head in prayer: "God, forgive me."
My mother was now incapable of verbally responding. I was not even sure if she received my verbal
messages correctly. I went to her
bedside, picked up her bony hard, covered it with both of mine and said, "Mother,
I have not always been patient with you.
Please forgive me. Mom, I was not
always grateful for all the things you did for me through the years. Please forgive me."
I wrote letters to my brothers, and others I knew I had
shared her faults with, and said: "I was wrong. Please forgive me."
Step # 7: Forgive
Forgiving seems to be the hardest step. When challenged
to forgive, responses often are: "I
would like to forgive, but..."' or "I know I should forgive,
but..."
Mark 11:25 admonishes:
"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone,
forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
Col. 3:13, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever
grievances you may have against one another.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Is there something blocking your ability to love? What is keeping you from forgiving: anger,
fear, hurt feelings, insecurity, pride or stubborn will?
On a sheet of paper write: "My ______________ is keeping me from forgiving
__________________(name of offender).
Spend time in prayer with God until you can declare,
"I forgive," and there are no "buts" remaining.
Step # 8: Desire reconciliation
Hebrews 12:14 says,
"Make every effort to live in peace with all men."
Reconciliation does not mean acceptance of what the
violator did. It does not mean what happened
has to be denied. Reconciliation means
the biblical guideline of seeking peace is being obeyed. It is following the scriptural admonition of
rebuilding relationships through unconditional love and acceptance.
John 13:34-35 reads:
"Love one another, as I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my
disciples, if you love one another."
The process of rebuilding is difficult. Old patterns of relating and communicating hinder
the ability to start anew. Sometimes the
offender is not interested in rebuilding the relationship.
The first thing which needs to be done is to demonstrate
love. Tangible expressions should be
presented to the violator, such as prayer, showing appreciation, giving presents,
or giving attention. Scripture indicates
we are commanded to act in spite of the emotion we may feel.
Helpful Tips
Individuals going through this process often find they
need alternative plans for their daily devotional time.
Try reading a Psalm daily. One plan is to read every thirtieth Psalm,
which means that on the first day, you would turn to Psalm 1, 31, 61, 91 and
121. The next time you would read Psalm
2, 32, 62, 92 and 122.
Don't feel guilty if you feel the need to stay in the Psalms
for weeks or even months. Concentrated time in this Bible book will bring you
comfort during this vulnerable time.
Find an individual who will commit to pray daily for
you.
You may feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel,
as you go through the forgiveness process.
Keep your eye on the goal of removing unnecessary weight, so you can run
the race.
You WILL make it!